Stepping stones…

Recently I’ve been feeling a bit “bleugh” because I had a choice to make. One path vs another. It was as if they were both communicating with me and offering me their paths and I had to choose. I think it was just a role playing ultimately to tease the growth out of me do I want the material or spiritual reward? Both?

The people I work with are wonderful and I am ever so grateful to have been working with colleagues who have graduated from Cambridge and Oxford. I asked myself honestly could I see myself doing the same thing for the next 5 years? My answer became apparent when I observed their lifestyles. They are much more established in their careers, have different priorities etc.

So a month ago I began my transition of moving back home, I was looking forward to sleeping in peace without being disturbed and really appreciated not being monitored and watched. During this period, I was looking for a new job that would be fulfilling, I was filtering out jobs including one which I walked out of because the interviewer was asking irrelevant questions. Eventually after the long language of career discourse, I received a call from a recruiting agency informing me about a new training contract role. They gave me the details stating selling the role and off I went excitedly for my third interview but it was based in Halifax, Yorkshire having several branches surrounding the area. I have never been up to these neck of the woods, it looked green, hilly and scenic. I had been looking for a trainee role but I was picky as I was adament to be working with professionals. The interview was great as it felt more of a lengthy conversation.

I had not told anyone about this nor did I take a day off for work and “worked from home” at a Halifax library instead. Due to the unnecessary stress of “where are you going?”, “how are you getting there?”, “don’t you have work etc”. On my drive home I was reflecting and thought why not go back to helping vulnerable clients again, not so I can claim my humble “Look at me I’m so good” award but because I genuinly enjoy it. I feel adequate, in control and appreciated at work and this time I’d be dealing with high risk clients which is right up my street. I do fear that I would dealing with people like “Rudy” in “The Rainmaker”. But this is not a film, this is real life and in the long term I’ll be secured financially working flexibly. Gaining real insight from fellow colleagues was valuable to make my decision easier.

Many of us find it difficult to start again because of an inability to let go of the ways things were. It may feel impossible to say goodbye to one chapter. But also, impossible to not say hello to a new one. At the end of the day, you have sit down and ask yourself what is important to you. Are you making excuses for yourself because you’re afraid? What are the pros? What are the cons? What can you learn? What are your risks? Is this affecting anyone else in your life? 

I received a call the following day confirming that I had got the job. I told my family who were piqued at my decision mainly because it would mean having to move again which for once did not want to do. But continued to listen to their critism of “you wont make it” , “will you even like it up there?”, “whos going to help you?”, “so what if you get made redundant” etc. I had a good cry and let it go. Whilst doing so I established that the guy who I wrote about previously, and whom I still am pretty much in love with doesn’t see me romantically or like me at all and doesn’t trust anyone anyway so I could not call him for advice after all he only communicates with me when he is intoxicated and gets annoyed if I contact him. This was affirmed when I drove to see him and he replied saying that he did not like me. On my drive back I mulled over why God tests me so much, I receive dreams and signs that I follow then I’m confused…I wear my heart on my sleeve and thought I could be with this person forever I was heartbroken but it’s the risk I took. I refuse to listen to acquaintances who say that I’ll never find anyone.

A few days later I explained the long term benefits to my parents they came around and have been supportive. I’ve also bought a property, and which is so far an unpleasent journey due to the long process which I will share once complete. The role is perfect and I felt like the job description was written for me. I was fortunate to have been given this opportunity since I have been picky in who trains and guides me as a solicitor, for me it has always been fundamental to be trained by a professional and not by Asians who cut corners. Corporate values are inherently oppressive of certain types of people. After working for non White bosses, I noticed a pattern of unlabelled oppression. It was as blatant as using corporate lingo as a tool of power, or as subtle as not showing up for meetings at the “right” time (not too early, but not late). The employees aka myself then tend to also act and mirror the unprofessional boss to survive in the workplace and to feel a sense of job security. Being professional isn’t White, but unfortunately being professional has become coded language for white favouritism in the workplace that more often than not privileges the values of White employees and leave behind people of colour. There is an easy solution to this but this would mean having to remove the ego and power struggles…and which Asian is going to do that? 

Spiritual cleansing… 

To aid with my transition I thought I’d not only do a physical cleanse but a spiritual cleanse. I have deactivated Insta for a few months now. Definitely enjoying not being on there for now. There are two fairly universal spiritual teachings out there which are connected to each other. There is the deeper, metaphysical law that applies to all dimensions/levels that a number of religions and beliefs reference to, and which can be summed up in, “Like attracts, begets, resonates with, and likes Like”. Then there is the corollary teaching, that the source/origin of something tends to have a continued influence/vibration in that pattern. I.e. summed up in “good fruit cannot come from a twisted, sick tree”, nor does “bad fruit come from a healthy, strong tree”. In other words, we have to look to Mark Zuckerberg and his energy/essence, and how that affects Facebook since he bought Instagram and was so instrumental/involved in creating same. This is the guy who back in school was caught saying things like to a friend when the friend expressed surprise that people were sharing personal information with him, “They "‘trust me’ “Dumb F#cks” Probably likely said with a hint or more of duper's delight type smirk. I do not good vibes from him whatsoever. Definitely very low on conscience, empathy, and attunement to love on the consciousness spectrum. The company that I worked for also had the same vibes which is another reason why I quit.

Is it any wonder then that FB tends to foster/facilitate a kind of narcissism, as well as interpersonal strife? (Not to say that debate, disagreement, or even fighting is always limiting or wrong--sometimes it's helpful.) I don’t know but what I do know is that having a break off Instagram has created more space to be present, breathe, read, go out with friends without having to “prove” how much fun I am having watch things and do things that I love doing. I will be back on it but I’m in no rush at the moment.

I also noticed that I DO get wrongly influenced by people easily and so it’s taught me not integrate into the false guidance, criticisms and corrupt vision of individuals who view reality in this way. To trust my unique understanding of what my power is and where it lies without wavering opinions.

If you hold on to what comes naturally to you, you embrace what exactly excites you and gets your juices flowing and you enjoy it shamelessly…whirlwinds of men and women will diminish you, demonise you, try to control you, find every fault in you and all the while being hopelessly, ridiculously, and endlessly captivated by you.

It’s important to embrace whatever “silly” subject you love, “frivolous” perspectives you bring to an area, or feminine touches you leave fingerprinted on the people and places around you. You will smile when you enrich your physical and intellectual environments with the enticing charge of beauty and life, as the Matrix relies on your sensual perspective. Once you trust, you stand tall, holding your beloved stimulating weapon of illusion, with which you have the most delicious and joyful relationship. Never let those whirlwinds of the shamed and ignorant loosen your grip on your sacred power, and never let them move your feet from your cosmic place. It's a fragrant lotus pedestal of absolute honor, and not the lowly abode they pretend it is.

Spiritual cleansing is often the easiest way to rid yourself of unwanted negative energy. Everyone has met an individual at some time or another who seems to be surrounded with negativity. Perhaps you sense the person has a grey or dark feeling, sometimes you may feel tired or drowsy.

I had friend at school who I used to always feel sleepy with and at that time I didn’t pay particular attention to these things I just thought I ate too much chocolate and continued to hang around with her. She was relatively helpful and genuine and one day out of the blue I asked if she was abused. She was shocked and opened up to me telling me that she was raped as a child to a religious guru who had now passed away. I was flabbergasted, she had some trapped negative energy in her root chakra from the abuser that she had not recovered from. Her story was painful and it all made sense.

Another childhood friend of mine who was pretty much chill but closed off had few sexual traumas that she had gone through which were too taboo for her to express.  And my first love who gravitated towards certain people because of the sexual trauma he went through. A lot of my clients will have had gone through a lot of things like this and I feel that I can use my skills to decipher what will be irrelevant and relevant when taking them to court. 

To cleanse, you do not have to deprive yourself of specific foods or dress in special clothing. You don’t even have to climb into a cave or sit in meditation for hours. Spirituality is built into the very fabric of Islamic beliefs and practices. The Qu’ran says: “Devote yourselves to Allah and assign Him no partners, for the person who does so is like someone who has been hurled down from the skies and snatched up by the birds or flung to a distant place by the wind.” (Surah Al-Hajj 22:31). Learning to pardon and forgive others out of compassion for their circumstances, lack of understanding or just for the sake of Allah is spiritually rewarding on many levels. Thawāb/ Sawab/ Suwob  is an Arabic term meaning "reward". It refers to spiritual merit or reward that accrues from the performance of good deeds and piety. I was reading this online (easy ways to gain sawab) and found it to be interesting and helpful.

Spiritual power…

Spirituality is so much more than just letting go and “trusting yourself” intuitively; you have to earn your own trust first. Does spirituality override being religious?

In the physical world, there are always ways to verify things. You can’t say you’re rich and prove it with £10 in your bank account. You can’t say you’re the world’s strongest person unless you can lift something stronger than “everyone else in the world”. You can’t tell the police someone stabbed you in the stomach and be standing there unwounded, and expect them to arrest the person, as you’re obviously dellusional. You can do that with spirituality however. You can take on any form of powerful Godhood or weakened victimhood you want to. You can proclaim you’re enlightened, you can proclaim someone is an evil spirit or a witch who cursed you (putting the responsibility for your own weaknesses, shadow, or mistakes in someone else’s hands), because nothing is going to limit you.

There’s almost nothing to put you in check here, so in a way “spirituality” is sometimes an ego-safe-haven for those who struggle to succeed in the physical plane (and thus why traditions posit that all 4 aims of life must be attained, and must blossom from one another. This in itself removes the potential for someone to approach spirituality with an escapist attitude). You’re only in “check” when you are doing things that noone sees you doing aka integrity, so always check yourself, know yourself. When you obsess over the array of tortures and distractions the mind presents, you do the opposite of the true goal of transcending the tortures of the mind completely. Once it’s all over you realise maybe it wasn’t a jinn, deity that was scary, or a witch cursing me. Maybe I wasn’t saving those “lost” people I tried to pray for in my pride. Maybe that deity, the “witch”, those lost souls weren’t the dark thing at all; maybe I was. And taking self-responsibility in that sense is the pathway to true transformation. As soon as this happens the individual receives abundance because the heart and soul are free from any blockages. Now there is a pathway for God to send abundant energy whether that is in material form or whatever. But the beauty of it is that the individual will unknowingly receive the spiritual rewards. Jannah is the reward for patient ones too. 

It is quite simple really, in layman terms, a car cannot drive smoothly nor contain anything if it’s using the sh*ttest petrol, has a load of junk in the back, punctured tyres and dirty windows. So nothing can be put in the car and so it has no choice but to be directionless, if the car is able to fit something it will either be squeezed in, be broken or fallen out of the car aka the blessing will be taken away before one is able to enjoy it. On the contrary, if it’s staying in it’s own lane, minding it’s business, has nothing in the car it will be able to receive the blessing and maintain it. 

Impact of trauma…

Eveything that one goes through during their teenage years is felt more deeply and more intensely than “normal”. Yes, teenagers are sick of smarmy adults blaming everything on puberty which IS an annoying thing to say because it invalidates their experiences and 13-19 years is actually a very important phase in a teenagers life. This is the bridge that one crosses to adulthood picking up on everything. And it’s crucial for psychological development too because this is the last life period where the mentality is flexible enough to resolve personality issues on its own. This exactly why personality disorders are diagnosed after 20, the psyche has not fully developed yet, even though most teenagers exhibit diagnosis worthy behaviors. Some psychologists don’t even bother with helping those who are under this age.

With that introduction I reach my first point – what one experiences during 13-19 will mellow with time and it will keep mellowing. All the pain and viciousness which now seem like they’re taking over will fade both with growing biologically and psychologically so there is no point to get too hung up on how you are now because life will change before you know it. After all it is all written, EVERYTHING. If you experience a painful event… And because you haven’t learned how to properly deal with traumatic experiences yet so you feel rage, indignation and a desire to punish and dominate. This is very understandable but it’s not “the right” way. And the individual knows it.

When one is abused they are repulsed by the idea of “being weak” because being vulnerable opens them up to excruciating pain especially at such a highly reactionary age. The problem is that acting out on the rage and darkness (which are not “you” but are just waste products from your wounds) will only poison one more and make one feel even worse because one can’t punish the outside world for something that’s within them. So they strike back, once they see that nothing within them has changed and the pain is still there which makes them angrier and so they strike back harder and see nothing has changed still. The individual then becomes an overachiever and uses it as a tool, as a survival instinct, managing to obtain a high position in their career killing their purpose and authenticity. The only area that these individuals will and probably or find it difficult to do is find genuine intimacy, thus make their partners go through several “tests” which leaves both people unsatisfied physically and emotionally. Overachievers are usually, running away, hiding, distracting or dissociating from pain and their true selves, chasing an image/ an ideal someone else gave them ( family and culture ) because they find it difficult to trust.

“Trauma is one of the ways of purification of our soul. Allah is testing His slaves with tribulation to forgive His slaves’ sins. We should always ask Allah for repentance. This act can help a person to overcome their trauma with ease.”

As one gains new experiences they will understand that there’s no such thing as “being weak”. It doesn’t exist. Everyone has strength and everyone has vulnerability. There is only fear and fear can make people do and believe things which aren’t in their best interest. Being “always strong” and “always dominant” is actually repulsive to most people and attracts negative reactions and hostility. It’s actually being vulnerable and awkward that creates warmth in people and a desire to help and nurture. When one is in a “weak” state 99% of people will NOT strike you down, on the contrary – they will reach out and help. So there is no real reason to be afraid of being “weak”, every other emotion or argument you have against this is just an excuse to keep latching onto the fear of vulnerability because they expect people will hurt them.

There is this very damaging idea that men aren’t supposed to have moments of weakness which is so heinous because ironically it does weaken them as people and keeps them in a perpetual state of misery, anger and darkness. Connecting the heart, at last, with one’s energies of aggression and sexuality (deep embodiment) that can illuminate the same career, the same work intensity and same relationships with a dawning of new perspective —-that is creative and spontaneous and FEELS the body in daily life is the answer.

These individuals need validation of the painful experience and need emotional release. For this to work TWO people need to be put in the picture, one is someone who they trust, someone who is empathetic, someone who they know will listen to without judgment and who will offer a nurturing embrace. To this person they should release their pain - no anger, no excuses. Spilling out everything that’s being pent up and allow them to have a “catharsis”. Cry. There is no shame in that. It’s our body’s way of purification. They will feel so much lighter afterwards and they will see that that’s exactly the kind of release one WANTED and couldn’t achieve with anger. 

The second person should be someone who they admire, someone they look up to preferably a man (if male, female vice versa) so they can see themselves in him/her. Having a conversation with them about their troubles or about whatever they’d like. Trying to find ideals, behaviors and opinions in them that they’d like to aspire to and them in the same fashion try to build their own “honor” code about life from the things they see and learn in life. About doing good and being good which is what true masculinity/feminity is. It will give them so much passion and so much happiness and fulfillment. The company you keep will help with purifying ones soul and staying away from distractions. A person is greatly influenced by their surroundings. Good company will help when you go through lows in your life in general or as a Muslim.

Having faith…

As an empath, I think our society breeds immaturity, feeding the ego instead of the true self. No one knows who they are anymore. We are a species with amnesia. As simple as having the people you love in your life, seeing how God works through everything. I think that’s much different than being vague messages and premonitions. Also to know if you are with the right person, if it takes you from your life rather than give you life and a fuel to live it isn’t from God, it shouldn’t dissociate you, numb you or sever your connection to reality. Another easy way to see if someone is good for you is quite simply is if your face is more physically attractive whilst being with them, if you do then the person is right for you. 

Ironically, I think lack of love just made me love myself even more. Everyone wants to be there for you during your reign, but no-one wants to be there through the rain. I'm built to be different. Sometimes it takes nodding your head, knowing the truth and having utter most faith in the Almighty. Even better when you do it all by yourself without anyones help. No matter how many times someone challenges my ideas or beliefs. God created me to be this way. I'm gonna have an excellent life, which includes love life, health, intellectual, and spiritual aspects of my life.

I recall writing on here if we are just doing good out of fear or punishment or hope for reward that isn’t real goodness. Like doing charity for appearances it’s not real charity. Or contacting a friend just to gain something in return. That’s not real friendship. Or being with a spouse where you can’t be yourself, that’s not an authentic relationship. For what it’s worth it’s never too late or in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be, there’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing, we can make the best or the worst of it and I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things that you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of if you find that you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again. Fearlessly.

I really hope you find the time to read this and you manage to pick out things that will help you. Again remember that this is just the beginning for me and there is still much to learn about life. Much more pain awaits but much more happiness as well. Alhamdulilah x