So I met up with my uni friends after years of not meeting physically, despite us all having exhausting weekday hours at work, we decided to make it a proper reunion after so long. I don’t have many friends although I say I do but I have more acquaintances. Having two-three real friends is enough for me.
These are my two best friends who are twins and I met them during my first year of university. We met whilst been woken up by a fire alarm, in a very funny way when we were living in a not so great uni accommodation which has now been abolished. But at the time we had the most fun there. We clicked instantly and since then we kept our group tight inviting and making friends from all three different courses. We had the best memories and the most memorable ones were those which we didn’t take photographs or videos of. My first experience of everything began with these friends. I remember the time when we had a cat thrown at us, the numerous amount of pranks we did and at one time received money from a uni student (which we gave back), we all bought the same Nokia phone, we sat in each others lectures, went to the library to do catwalks, celebrated every birthday like it was our last, staying up doing the most random things, creating video “tutorials” on how to wear the hijab and so many more wonderful times I spent with these gems. I only found out now that their father is an Imam LOL, this is how humble they are! What I loved so much about our connection is that we speak freely with one another about anything whilst unconciously helping each other along the way. We picked up right from right where we left like nothing happened.
Personally, I find the lack of time commitment to be the biggest friendship killer. The glorification of being “busy” has reduced most of my friendships to merely “friendly acquaintances”. Strangely enough, these “frientances” usually lack neither positivity nor vulnerability; most likely because we're so starved for validation. It's all about knowing who talks to you in their free time, or who takes the time to talk to you. In the end; however, we usually find ourselves sitting on a two-legged chair, simply because sometimes it's better than nothing at all. I think you need positivity, consistency and vulnerability for a friendship. Over the years I have learnt that most of the time friendship is not like what is depicted on TV, where they trust and care for each other deeply. Most of the time you just need someone to have fun with, nothing more than that. That in itself creates a relaxed trusting bond. I love my friends because we allow each other space so when we have recharged we can freely talk about what we did during that time without taking anything personally. It is that which makes me love them so much more. And we were all very similar in that sense.
They are now married with children so I managed to get a low down of what to expect before I get married. It’s funny how God makes souls interact because there could have been so many other opportunities for us to have met but it’s strange it’s happened at this time, I am the last to get married amongst us. To most people in this society, marriage is nothing more than a romantic notion and when the honeymoon is over, so ends the marriage. Marriage is not easy, but Islam creates an environment where it could be easy when you just follow the Qu’ran and sunnah. The rights Islam gives women is not comparable to anything found in the western society. Unfortunately some muslims neglect their God given rights and others rights. And it is also unfortunate that some muslims are starting to be attracted to the western culture. They just don't know what they are giving up. It is so easy to lose the way. For example, a mandatory thing that the husband must do is give the mahr (dowry). It is paid to the wife and to her only as an honor and respect is given to her to show that he has a serious desire to marry her and is not simply entering into the marriage contract without any sense of responsibility and obligation or effort on his part. I think it’s a lovely thing to have but Western culture has glamourised it. I’ve decided I’m going to ask for a translated Qu’ran and a cat from my spouse and maybe some chocolate. In fact in the first era of Islam, marriage was a simple affair any expenditure in it’s performance was minimal and not a burden on either families. Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) mentioned that “The most blessed marriage is the one with least expenses”.
Some things that they also touched on before marriage:
Mother in Law: Disputes with the mother in law or in laws are common, but it’s how you handle it. They were describing awful events, much similar to the asian dramas you see on TV. Backbiting and insulting, making them feel ridiculed and overall having unpleasant interactions with the mother in law is quite common in the asian community. Even when a muslim woman helps her husband honour and respect his mother. Luckily my friends are strong but many people have problems with their in laws, but I think I should be able to count on atleast the emotional support of my spouse.
Truth, respect and care: Spouses in Islam are meant to be companions to each other, supporting and nurturing each other, sharing a bond that is akin to one’s clothing. In the Qu’ran, Allah has described spouses as garments. “They are clothing for you and you are clothing for them…” [2:187]. My friends attend an Islamic event/talk once a week with their spouses to ensure that these three things are implemented and reminded of. Ofcourse with any marriage there are ups and down but it’s how you handle them and one fundamental, sweet thing they mentioned is that they made it a rule to never go to sleep angry! Also that they take turns in looking after the children which would be seen as “typically” or should I say “traditionally” for a wife in today’s society for the husband to do.
Space and boundaries: I thought this was funny but they mentioned that it is important to give space to each other to not only miss each other but to strengthen the bond for the emotional health. But not so much that they start to worry, they advised to let my spouse know who and where I am atleast. Having boundaries also determines the strength of the relationship. For example, it may be okay for my spouse to go out without me once a week, but a couple of nights a week doing things that are unimportant may not acceptable. So I guess it’s good to nip these things in the bud before.
Communication: It’s the key element to take out time to talk to each other and express everything freely. The Qu’ran guides men to treat women with kindness and respect, even in times of dispute. “O you who have believed, it is not lawful for you to inherit women by compulsion. And do not make difficulties for them in order to take [back] part of what you gave them unless they commit a clear immorality. And live with them in kindness. For if you dislike them – perhaps you dislike a thing and Allah makes therein much good. But if you want to replace one wife with another and you have given one of them a great amount [in gifts], do not take [back] from it anything. Would you take it in injustice and manifest sin?” [4:19-20].
There were ofcourse the basic things that we didn’t discuss because it’s second nature for us to be that way such as being grateful, making sure there’s food on the table, being enthusiastic, looking good, making each other motivated and grow. It’s likely that I’ll wear a hijab after marriage. I then assessed the relationships with my non muslim friends and they differed dramatically. I should not really comment but I think the stronger and longer lasting ones have used religion as a guidance tool.
Islam describes in great detail the purpose of marriage in Surah Ar-Rum, Verse 21 “He has created mates for you from your own kind that you may find peace in them and He has set between you love and mercy” . Stating that the couple were created to give each other and obtain a life of “sakinah” (peace), “mawaddah” (love) and “rahmah” (affection). These three values are synonymous with marriage but their understanding and application are not as expected.
I think such a union is the true union that is spoken of in a marriage ceremony, when it is said that a union by God is something nothing can tear apart. It takes both people wanting the union and both asking God to strengthen and protect their union. These sort of higher intentions create the bonding and trust that remains through the difficult times. Our society has developed in many ways into encouraging independent women yielding to and “needing” no man, men avoiding chastity to a woman, and therefore women squander access to the creative, phallic, force, and men squander access to stability and containment of her vessel for his expansive energy. Even amongst married couples, women (who are polarised to pull energy inward and upward to the heart) depend on and tightly hold onto their restrictive nature, imposing emotional and sexual restrictions and rules constantly, while the men resist learning phallic control and instead crave to throw their energy outwardly into other women, porn, etc. (as the male force naturally flows downward and outward). Not knowing that letting things flow IS the key thing that will help the marriage.
I think the best guarantee of a successful marriage is to have a sense of trust in yourself and in your spouse. Trust means that you are connected with you heart, your centre of love. Once the foundation is cemented nothing can break a union it should be a pleasurable experience for both, spiritually, physically, emotionally etc. I am so excited to experience that level of ecstasy and intermingling. Like the flame never dying out.
Do not love half lovers
Do not entertain half friends
Do not indulge in works of the half talented
Do not live half a life
and do not die a half death
If you choose silence, then be silent
When you speak, do so until you are finished
Do not silence yourself to say something
And do not speak to be silent
If you accept, then express it bluntly
Do not mask it
If you refuse then be clear about it
for an ambiguous refusal is but a weak acceptance
Do not accept half a solution
Do not believe half truths
Do not dream half a dream
Do not fantasise about half hopes
Half a drink will not quench your thirst
Half a meal will not satiate your hunger
Half the way will get you no where
Half an idea will bear you no results
Your other half is not the one you love
It is you in another time yet in the same space
It is you when you are not
Half a life is a life you didn't live,
A word you have not said
A smile you postponed
A love you have not had
A friendship you did not know
To reach and not arrive
Work and not work
Attend only to be absent
What makes you a stranger to them closest to you
and they strangers to you
The half is a mere moment of inability
but you are able for you are not half a being
You are a whole that exists to live a life
not half a life.
-Gibran Khalil Gibran