Frozen…

I finally watched Frozen for the first time, for those whom haven't watched it, it opens with two young princesses, Elsa (voice of Idina Mensel) and Anna (voice of Kristen Bell), happily playing together. They’re from the mythical kingdom of Arendelle. Elsa is the eldest and has magical powers. She can conjure up snow and ice at the snap of her fingers, turning the inside of the palace into a winter adventure wonderland. Unfortunately Elsa hasn’t yet developed enough control over her magical powers and accidentally injures Anna. Fast forward years later, the two sisters lose their parents in a shipwreck, and Elsa has to come out of isolation for her coronation. During the festivities, Anna falls in love with a visiting prince, Hans (voice of Santino Fontana), who asks for Anna’s hand to marry him. Anna asks Elsa for her blessing to marry, but Elsa is suspicious of the prince and refuses. They have a dispute and Elsa accidentally reveals her magical talents and transforms the kingdom of Arendelle into a permanently frozen wilderness.

Anna and Elsa’s relationship dynamic…

Anna has an anxious attachment style, and Elsa has a dismissive avoidant attachment style. The simple imagery for this is that an avoidant person runs while a dependent person chases them, and this is pretty true for any relationship with these mixes. Sound familiar? 

Elsa has a dismissive (or avoidant) attachment style, his is because she is emotionally distant, and despite being closer to Anna she still rejects intimate relationships by keeping them a “safe” distance away or at arms length. These are common traits of avoidants. She does not want to depend on a partner, and is afraid to allow for a partner to lean on her. She often tries to prevent Anna from following her, and literally sends her away so that she may have this independence. She loves Anna, but she isn’t comfortable with having Anna come with her, depending on her.

Elsa is seen as someone who uses communication as a means to exchange intellectual ideas, rather than talk about emotions. Specifically, when she rained on Anna’s parade by telling her that she couldn’t marry a man she just met. Although she was right, she was very cold about it. She avoids conflict up until she reaches a point to explode. On the other hand, Elsa is cool, controlled, stoic, self-sufficient, limits her emotional range and prefers to do things alone. She is also head strong, and so long as she’s not dealing with her own emotions, she’s pretty good in a crisis and will take charge. What do you expect from a child whose parents were non responsive to her needs? They were disengaged and detached from an entire part of Elsa, telling her to conceal and hide parts of herself that were so obviously inseparable to her identity. This has nothing to do with feminine and masculine energy, this is purely from agender neutral perspective. 

Anna has a preoccupied (or anxious) attachment style. She seems to be insecure about her relationship with Elsa, and she’s worried that Elsa may reject or abandon her again, and she finds herself preoccupied with this relationship (Notice that this preoccupation even makes Kristoff feel forgotten at times, he is Anna’s love interest. She often needs ongoing reassurance from Elsa that they will do things together, and her underlying fear of losing Elsa stems from her losing her parents. Anna is overly sensitive to Elsa’s actions, moods and her choices. She was mad at Elsa for running into the fire (something Elsa could handle alone) because it implied that Elsa is okay with Anna not following her, and that frightens her.

Anna is the opposite of Elsa in that she is highly emotional, and very expressive. When Elsa is reserved and closed off, Anna is vulnerable and taking up space. Anna wants to blame Elsa for her distance, she has done so since they were young. (Asking Elsa “why do you shut the world out? What are you so afraid of?”). She is unaware that sometimes she may push her away with her own expectations, for example, telling Elsa (a magical being) to not go where Anna can’t follow. Anna is terrified of being alone, and places the expectation of Elsa always being there for her as she is always there for Elsa.

What do you expect from a child who was separated from all of her loved ones? After the incident with Anna getting struck in the head by Elsa’s powers, she was always viewed as too vulnerable to be trusted with Elsa, and was left dependent on the relationships of those around her, this makes her desperate for love and affection.

Frozen 2

So what’s so beautiful about the resolution of Frozen 2? For Elsa to overcome her insecurities, she had to listen to a voice outside of herself. She had to learn to trust and follow something in complete isolation, and that she does need other people: specifically her sister. For Anna to overcome her insecurities, she had to listen to a voice inside herself. Once Olaf (a snowman who tags along with Anna and Kristoff) had faded away outside of herself. In doing so, she realised how much she needs Anna. That she can’t live in and she assumed Elsa was as good as dead, Anna has to learn to trust and follow something inside herself. In doing so, she realised that she does not have to be so dependent on Elsa. That she is her own individual  and that she can’t live in complete dependency of another individual. She needs to give people appropriate space and boundaries, and know that people still love her: specifically her sister. They are coming together to be that bridge, and meeting each other in the middle to have some inner peace.

Elsa used her magic to see the last moments of her parents, which was emotionally too much for her, since she's still has the sense of duty as a Queen, she feels obligated to carry the weight of ruling her Queendom to protect everyone ("Everyone I ever loved is here within these walls") and as irrational as it sounds, she's feeling guilty about the death of her parents and taking the blame herself (she always does, even in Frozen Fever, when she claimed, that it was her fault to have ruined Anna's birthday, which the chaos was way out her control), where in reality, it was the decision of her parents of their own volition to find the source of her magic. She's a fearful avoidant attachment person, stemming from her trauma nearly killing her sister and best friend Anna. Fearful avoidant attachment individuals are fearful of intimacy (not necessarily romantic, but generally getting close to someone to know their true self) and socially avoidant. They have a negative view of themselves (Elsa blaming herself for the death of her parents), yet highly dependant on others but also having a high avoidance level (for example: she retreats to her room after hearing the call of Ahtohallan (the mystical, legendary river of memory that takes the form of a vast, magical glacier), and she didn't open up about this instance towards Anna). Fearful avoidants are cold and passive in their interactions with others, being introverted.

In romantic relationships they are less committed (expecting disappointments) and having less satisfaction with it (often saying “why even try, if it would fail anyway”) and having a more negative perspective on themselves and relationships. They choose to not to dive into a relationship, rather staying single than than having a relationship for the wrong reasons due to trust issues. They don't feel comfortable in relationships, they even are wary of, yet craving the warmth of it. Not knowing that vulnerability is the heartbeat of any relationship. Being vulnerable is terrifying, showing a part of themselves just means they believe they will take that part from them and leave. Because they always do in their eyes. Yet still, they have this deep void. A deep void of wanting a connection, wanting to be needed, and wanting to give. Struggling emotionally and wither between being numb towards wanting a companionship to wanting nothing more. “What if the person I choose doesn’t choose me? is preoccupied with them. In some cases they find someone special, and the second they don’t represent their abandonment wound, the second they get too comfortable, too comfortable with showing their affection, their secure love, they run. This type of love is not common for them, nor does it feel safe enough to have, or to hold. Their "consistency" will serve as red flags for their subconscious brain, and this trigger can occur weeks, months or years into the connection. Only until they recognise the abandonment wound can they then make steps to realign.

Good Will Hunting, I believe shows disorganised attachment. The problem is that Hollywood illustrates movies and the path to recovery as simplified and unrealistic. That said, it outlines what caused it, how hurtful it can be to partners, and how therapy and others can help.

Is there a need to label?

People should understand that they are not psychologists or therapists. A label is a limiting construct. Once you are in that box you run the risk of remaining stuck there. An attachment style is not a star sign or a hard wired personality prototype. Attachment styles are plastic (changeable), responding to the dynamics present in any given relational environment. In this way they are more a label for a set of cognitive, affective, and behavioural phenomena.

To behave within a particular attachment style does not result in a lifelong sentence where a person is forever stuck in that mode of behaviour. As such it’s not really damaging to use the lens of attachment style to think about our behaviour, so long as we are aware that recognising an attachment style in ourselves does not absolve us of the responsibility to manage our own behaviour. 

However, a label isn't necessary, but it helps assess when used correctly and not applied haphazardly. Most people are not capable of making these kinds of diagnosis’ and “narcissist”, “psychopath”, and “sociopath” get thrown around by those who don't understand that a brief exchange where they imagined half of what they've applied to you isn't an accurate diagnosis. 

Next time you find yourself cheering for your favourite character or feeling frustrated by their choices they may mirror aspects of your journey too! The same way actors' and actresses play roles they are comfortable with. By embracing these narratives, we can embark on a path toward deeper understanding and empowerment within our own lives.

Attachment styles and faith?

We often think our struggles with faith are purely spiritual. But what if part of it is psychological? What if your emotional dysregulation, fear of abandonment, or struggle with connection to God isn't about your Imaan but about your early emotional blueprint? Healing your relationship with God is not just a spiritual journey it’s an emotional one. It’s okay if your attachment wounds show up in worship. Your faith doesn’t need to be perfect it needs to be honest. The Prophet (PBUH) himself was orphaned yet he grew into the most emotionally secure and spiritually connected man in history.

“Did He not find you an orphan and give you shelter?” [Qur’an 93:6]

Your healing isn’t blocked by your past. In Islam, you don’t need perfect parents — you need a secure attachment with God. I am not the perfect example of preaching about this as I stumble and strive towards a secure attachment but you get my drift.

If there is an attachment or emotional or egotistical investment in a particular concept other possibilities or alternative realities can be overlooked, rejected or completely denied and ignored. Impartial neutrality is the key to touching on real truth and accurate comprehension. Being open and unbiased towards any particular outcome or answer keeps the channel unblocked and clear. A lack of judgement maintains clarity.